How do we drive anger from our minds?
In the previous articles, we have dissected how anger arises and alluded to how we might prevent its appearance. Let us again remember how destructive such a passion is. It is only where reason exists, and weakness of mind is present that anger runs wild. When we are overtaken by such emotion, we can’t deploy the tools of cold, hard logic to prevail at the task at hand. That is why we learned that it is better to give pause and to let the internal storm pass. However, this is only one way of getting the upper hand on anger. This article will dive into the details set forth by Seneca for us to abide by.
Don’t Be Angry
“We shall succeed in avoiding anger, if from time to time we lay before our minds all the vices connected with anger, and estimate it at its real value: it must be prosecuted before us and convicted: its evils must be thoroughly investigated and exposed.” Pg. 32
If we examine anger for what it is, we will be compelled to file it away to as deep a depth as possible. This very fact forced me to investigate such an emotion. I realized that this wild spirit runs in my family, and I want to be able to end that with me. Therefore, to solve a problem, we must gather answers and what better source than an ancient philosopher. It is clear to see that anger is a negative experience as it finds its roots in jealousy and revenge.
“Nothing is more dangerous than jealousy: it is produced by anger. Nothing is more ruinous than war: it is the outcome of powerful men’s anger; and even the anger of humble private persons, though without arms or armies, is nevertheless war.” Pg. 32
We can see that jealousy and insult can fuel anger. However, how is it that we come to these emotions in the first place? If we are jealous, we must believe that the other person has something of which we are envious. If we can be insulted, we must first think of the insult and then know it to be true. If this is the case, either we take the time to realize the assertion is not valid, or we must work on ourselves not to have such weaknesses. This is all predicated on us giving merit to what others think of us. It’s a difficult task, but loosening the grip of this tendency of caring about the thoughts of others is useful in many areas of life.
“...for a man must be inferior to one by whom he thinks himself despised, whereas the truly great mind, which takes a true estimate of its own value, does not revenge an insult because it does not feel it… no insult can make a really great mind sensible of its presence, being weaker than that against which it is aimed. How glorious is it to throwback all wrongs and insults from oneself, like one wearing armor of proof against all weapons, for revenge is an admission that we have been hurt.” Pg. 32
If we are attempting to build ourselves up and not submit to anger, perhaps we must approach this in the stepwise fashion typical of goal setting. We do not want to overwhelm ourselves. If we are to attempt to bear too large of a burden, and we fail, we may feel the insults to be true. If we are wielding a significant burden, then it is much more difficult not to give way to the emotional turmoil of anger as well. So we must start with small and manageable tasks and work our way to larger ones to fortify ourselves against these challenges.
“...simple and manageable undertakings proceed according to the pleasure of the person in charge of them, but enormous ones, beyond his capacity to manage, are not easily undertaken … Let our undertakings, therefore, be neither petty nor yet presumptuous and reckless: let our hopes not range far from home: let us attempt nothing which if we succeed will make us astonished at our success.” Pg. 33
The saying goes that we become those with whom we surround ourselves. However, Seneca also suggests that we need to surround ourselves with people who will not push us into anger. This concept might not be the best of ideas. Ensuring that we are not quick to anger seems to be more of mental practice. Imagine if our goal was to lift the heaviest weights. With the logic, Seneca presents it would be much like us trying to make the lightest yet most massive looking loads, so it appears as though we would lift more. The same could be said about controlling our temptation to anger. If we avoid these circumstances, then we will not practice taking a pause when we become heated and, therefore, not strengthen our resistance to the emotion.
“Since we know not how to endure an injury, let us take care not to receive one: we should live with the quietest and easiest-tempered persons, not with anxious or with sullen ones: for our own habits are copied from those with whom we associate, and just as some bodily diseases are communicated by touch, so also the mind transfers its vices to its neighbors.” Pg. 33
Seneca suggests that many stimulations could incline a person to anger. He indicates that ensuring our biology is inline (hunger, thirst, fatigue, weariness, etc.) is essential. If we allow ourselves to fall into such a dysfunctional state, we will become quick to anger. These states are usually come upon by overburdening ourselves. We can avoid these situations by ensuring the burdens we bear are not crushing in size.
“Irascible men ought not to meddle with the more serious class of occupations, or, at any rate, ought to stop short of wariness in the pursuit of them; their mind ought not to be engaged upon hard subjects, but handed over to pleasing arts: let it be softened by reading poetry, and interested by legendary history: let it be treated with luxury and refinement.” Pg. 34
Perhaps it is our own life’s journey to understand where we should spend our time and effort. If we are irascible, then maybe we should tend to matters that do not stir our emotions. If we are weak in some areas, we can attend to the mending of this shortcoming and concealing it to the best of our ability. Yet the burden is still on us to identify these aspects and take care of them.
“People do not all take offense in the same way; you ought then to know what your own weak point is, that you may guard it with especial care.” Pg. 35
It is up to us to handle our anger to the best of our ability. We can practice moderation and know ourselves. This way, we will embark upon tasks that suit us well. Letting things go, and not needing to attend to everything everyone says about us are valiant aims.
Let Go Of Anger
“Let us put ourselves in the place of him with whom we are angry: at present an overweening conceit of our own importance makes us prone to anger, and we are quite willing to do to others what we cannot endure should be done to ourselves.” Pg. 35
If we can place ourselves in the shoes of the other, perhaps we can bring in some understanding and forgiveness. When someone does us wrong, it was likely not their intention, or at the very least, what they were doing in their eyes was for their well being. Therefore, if we are to ask ourselves what we would do if we were them, perhaps we can understand their vantage point. If that fails, we can always fight against anger and try to keep it at bay.
“Fight hard with yourself and if you cannot conquer anger, do not let it conquer you: you have begun to get the better of it if it does not show itself, if it is not given vent. Let us conceal its symptoms, and as far as possible keep it secret and hidden. It will give us great trouble to do this, for it is eager to burst forth, to kindle our eyes and to transform our face; but if we allow it to show itself in our outward appearance, it is our master.” Pg. 36
Checks and balances of the government are put into place not to allow power to become too high upon one person. Seneca is describing a personal set of checks and balances in this next quote. This idea makes sense in a time of kingly rule. If the king does not set up restraints for himself, his power will allow him to do great evil.
“It is best to prepare obstacles beforehand for vices which are known, and above all things, so to tranquilize our mind that it may bear the most sudden and violent shocks either without feeling anger, or, if anger be provoked by the extent of some unexpected wring, that it may bury it deep, and not betray its wound.” Pg. 36
We must work to keep anger at bay. It makes sense that it is a constant practice, or exercise to keep the mind from this passion. It seems a lot like the practice of meditation and mindfulness. If we follow the fact that this emotion is destructive and prone to misery, perhaps that will help us to fight off such a detrimental mental state.
“As long, however, as we find nothing in our life so unbearable as to drive us to suicide, let us, in whatever position we may be, set anger far from us: it is destructive to those who are its slaves. All its rage turns to its own misery, and authority becomes all the more irksome the more obstinately it is resisted.” Pg. 38
The idea of bamboo comes in again here. I’ve mentioned this before, but bamboo is rigid yet flexible. It will not break but merely bend under pressure. This notion seems to be the best way to not turn to anger too readily. When life comes at us with hardships, we can bend, but do not have to break. When we split, passion has escaped, and its path of destruction is born.
“...the only way to alleviate great evils is to endure them and to submit to do what they compel. This control of our passions, and especially of this mad, and unbridled passion of anger, is useful to subjects, but still more useful to kings.” Pg. 38
Even if we work to keep anger away, it is helpful to look at others as humans. We can see how often we make mistakes. We can keep this in mind and reflect it toward others. Do others not make mistakes, and do them regularly? Do we not do the same? We can also ask ourselves many questions to understand if the action, the wrong done against us, is out of malice.
“Is this his first offence? Think how long he has been acceptable. Has he often done wrong, and in many other cases? Then let us continue to bear what we have borne so long. Is he a friend? Then he did not intend to do it. Is he an enemy? Then in doing it he did his duty. If he be a sensible man, let us believe his excuses; if a fool, let us grant him pardon; whatever he may be, let us say to ourselves on his behalf, that even the wisest of men are often in fault, that no one is so alert that his carefulness never betrays itself, that no one is of so ripe a judgement that his serious mind cannot be goaded by circumstances into some hotheaded action, that is fine, no one, however much he may fear to give offence, can help doing so even while he tried to avoid it.” Pg. 42
Not only does keeping in mind that we can make mistakes keep us humble, but the very fact that someone has done us wrong and that they are now less, or deserving of punishment is a good position. After all, who are we to know who is worthy of punishment?
“It cannot be doubted that he who regards his tormentor with contempt raises himself above the common herd and looks down upon them from a loftier position: it is the property of true magnanimity not to feel the blows which it may receive.” Pg. 42
If someone does us wrong, and we take it on the chin and keep on striving, this is the ultimate form of revenge. The other person will end up feeling remorse for the wrong that they have done us with their anger.
“He will be, even supposing that you do not wish it: for the greatest punishment for having done harm is the sense of having done it, and no one is more severely punished than he who is given over to the punishment of remorse.” Pg. 42
It is up to every one of us to take the high road. When we take a step back and do not retaliate, but forgive each other for our wrongdoings and shortcomings, that is when we all win. This action, of course, is challenging at the moment. That is why it is critical to take a step back and perhaps not respond right away, but after some time, maybe days or even months.
“Let us therefore be more gentle one to another: we are bad men, living among bad men: there is only one thing which can afford us peace, and that is to agree to forgive one another.” Pg. 43
It’s a powerful message when someone has done something wrong to us, that we keep in mind we are capable of the same. Forgiveness can come into play when we think about what it is they must have had to go through to become that way.
“...even though you have done no evil, yet you are capable of doing it.” Pg. 43
When we realize that we are capable of evil deeds and that we often expect too much, it makes sense that we are easy to anger. When we hold expectations, and they are not met, we become mad at whoever is the person or situation that has disappointed us. Yet, who are we to expect anything? I’m not sure that anyone or anything owes us a single thing.
“The same thing befalls men both of restless and of sluggish disposition; they are seized by suspicions, sometimes to such an extent that they call slight benefits injuries: and these form the most common and certainly the most bitter subject for anger: for we become angry with our dearest friends for having bestowed less upon us than we expected, and less than others have received from them: yet there is a remedy at hand for both these grievances. Has he favoured our rival more than ourselves? Then let us enjoy what we have without making comparisons. A man will never be well off to whom it is a torture to see any one better off than himself. Have I less than I hoped for? Well, perhaps I hoped for more than I ought. This is against which we ought to be especially on our guard: from hence arises the most destructive anger, sparing nothing, not even the holiest.” Pg. 44
When we start realizing the mechanisms of anger like this, we can begin to let the emotions pass by. If we recognize expectations cause empty outrage, we can let go. If we realize that possessing objects will cause contempt and anger because one person has them and the other does not, we can, too, let this go. If we realize that we are all perfectly flawed and capable of malice, then we can let this go as well. We can let go of the ideal image of being perfect. This approach can help us to be less angry in the end with everyone, especially ourselves.
“Those object of desire of yours cause strife and disputes among those who covet the same things, because they are petty, and cannot be given to one man without being taken away from another.” Pg. 46
If we keep all of these aspects in mind, we can train ourselves to be less reactive. This idea is the center point of meditation. If we come into the present moment, and learn to let things go, we will no longer be a rubber raft in a stormy emotional sea.
“All our senses should be educated into strength: they are naturally able to endure much, provided that the spirit forbears to spoil them. The spirit ought to be brought up for examination daily.” Pg. 46
Healing Anger (Ours and Others)
“A good man delights in receiving advice: all the worst men are the most impatient of guidance.” Pg. 47
It is a challenging endeavor to constrain anger within ourselves. It’s an even taller order to try to silence or subdue anger in another. Anger is one emotion that does not want to be taken head-on. We must make a game of it. We must first take pause. Then lead the other into realizing anger is not a winning option. It’s often better to yield to the aggressor. If we lay our ego aside and let the other person stand in the position of “being right,” it’s incredible how quickly the situation diffuses.
“There is, then, nothing useful in that hideous and destructive passion of anger, but on the contrary, every kind of evil, fire and sword. Anger tramples self-restraint under-foot, steeps its hands in slaughter, scatters abroad the limbs of its children: it leaves no place unsoiled by crime, it has not thoughts of glory, no fears of disgrace, and when once anger has hardened into hatred, not amendment is possible.” Pg. 48
Anger is a destructive force. In my opinion it is a life long, yet valiant pursuit to try to keep it at bay or better yet eliminate it from within ourselves. It’s an interestingly reactive matter that if we subdue or silence in ourselves, it also seems to do the same in others. When we are tranquil, and we come into contact with an angry person, they too will often become calm. Therefore, there is most likely much benefit to living a peaceful life and the positive impact that could have on others.
“This breath that we hold so dear will soon leave us: in the meantime, while we draw it, while we live among human beings, let us practise humanity: let us not be a terror or a danger to anyone. Let us keep our tempers in spite of losses, wrongs, abuse or sarcasm, and let us endure with magnanimity our short-lived troubles: while we are considering what is due to ourselves, as the saying is, and worrying ourselves, death will be upon us.” Pg. 49
I see this time that we spend on this earth as something for which we can take responsibility. We take responsibility for our actions. We can choose not to control our actions, but that is still making a choice and taking responsibility; however, poorly, the case may be. So why not create something positive from that? Why not make this time the best that we have while we are here? I believe time with less or no anger is something easily worth striving for. The benefit seems to outweigh the payment of a bit of self-control and determination.