Are you listening?
Being a human is a solitary experience. When we have high-quality communication, that aspect seems to fade or be quieted, at least acutely during that time. When we can communicate in a careful and precise manner, relationships with other humans can be formed. Because I highly value human relationships that function well, I am curious about communication. It makes sense to me that communication is an essential component in this arena. Therefore, I will write a series of articles focusing on communication in the coming weeks. This article will be the first, and it is focused on listening.
“Good listeners are no less rare or important than good communicators. Here, too, an unusual degree of confidence is the key — a capacity not to be thrown off course by, or buckle under the weight of, information that may deeply challenge certain settled assumptions. Good listeners are unfussy about the chaos which others may for a time create in their minds; they’ve been there before and know that everything can eventually be set back in its place.” - The Course of Love: A Novel By Alain de Botton
The idea for a focus on listening stems from my current work situation. There are several managers in my working group. The unfortunate part is that their communication skills are not stellar, as one might imagine they should be in the position of management. I have experienced several communication cancers over the past several weeks. I will now take the time to lay out some of the shortcomings that I’ve seen as a result of my experience and then will attempt to shed some light on how we might change to become better listeners.
It seems to me as though we have been taught to listen to respond and not to understand. It has been beaten into us, especially the scientifically and technically oriented minds of the world, that it is of the utmost importance to be correct. Now, there is undoubtedly a time for being recognized as accurate by scientific theory. However, boiling communication down to a logical battlefield leads the way to a fundamental flaw in thinking. Even with years or decades of training experience in a highly scientific field, we are still irrational and emotionally based creatures. This notion means that we can have an argument, and strictly speaking, according to reason, and logic be correct. Still, when we create an uncomfortable, or worse yet, a hostile mental atmosphere in the person with whom we are debating against, and we are supposed to be leading them, then we have both lost. I have spoken previously in detail about how being “right” does not always work.
Why must we be careful?
“Here is just one example of the total wrongness of something I tend to be automatically sure of: everything in my own immediate experience supports my deep belief that I am the absolute center of the universe; the most real, most vivid and important person in existence. We rarely think about this sort of natural, basic self-centredness because it’s so socially repulsive.” - This is Water is a commencement speech by David Foster Wallace
We are self-centered by design. We are wired from our biology to survive and procreate. If we did not have a substantial portion of ourselves dedicated to self-preservation, it makes sense that our ancestors or we would not be here. This need for survival has been spun into overdrive in our world of “wanting and achieving.” Our desires have seemingly been understood, accounted for, taken advantage of, manipulated, and distorted.
Now it is “I” must-win above all when, in reality, “to win, we must do it together.” This latter part sounds like a corporate slogan, which is accurate but generally implemented poorly. If we return to my work environment, it is known that we must work together as a team to achieve our goals. The only way to do that is to listen properly. If by chance, we get the act of listening down, that is to get curious, and listen to understand, not to respond, then it is unlikely the act of listening will realize any follow-through. This notion is to say, no reaction as a result of what has been heard.
It is one thing to listen; it is another to integrate that knowledge and ready the individual and or team for action within the world. When we are in a bureaucratic group that has become too restrictive, things begin to degrade, even if we can listen. The point here is listening is an act; we must take in what the other person is saying, interpret, understand, assimilate, integrate, and then leverage it to plan for action. If we do not carry out the last part, then, in fact, there was no point in listening in the first place aside from providing the impression to the individual that they were “heard,” which is now clearly devoid of meaning. This approach can begin to make the individuals feel isolated from the group’s mission and actions.
I have discussed in times past, how the individual can become cleaved from the group. This circumstance is especially dangerous because while the individual is psychologically and emotionally isolated from the group, they are still physically participating. This situation means that the individual is there but feels hopeless, powerless, a victim of circumstances, etc. This scenario is what happens when ideology becomes absolute and tyrannical. Carl Jung does a beautiful job of explaining this.
“Nothing has a more divisive and alienating effect upon society than this moral complacency and lack of responsibility, and nothing promotes understanding and rapprochement more than the mutual withdrawal of projections. This necessary corrective requires self-criticism, for one cannot just tell the other person to withdraw them. He does not recognize them for what they are, any more than one does oneself. We can recognize our prejudices and illusions only when, from a broader psychological knowledge of ourselves and others, we are prepared to doubt the absolute rightness of our assumptions and compare them carefully and conscientiously with the objective facts. Funnily enough, “self-criticism” is an idea much in vogue in Marxist countries, but there it is subordinated to ideological considerations and must serve the State, and not truth and justice in men’s dealings with one another. The mass State has no intention of promoting mutual understanding and the relationship of man to man; it strives, rather, for atomization, for the psychic isolation of the individual. The more unrelated individuals are, the more consolidated the State becomes, and vice versa.” - The Undiscovered Self: The Dilemma of the Individual in Modern Society a book by Carl Gustav Jung
Listening is an active approach toward an attempt at understanding another and acting as a result. We listen because we need human connection. When the systems become overbearing, the individual is lost in a sea of atomized individuals who do not seek to connect on a fundamental and profound level. This situation is the basis for a tyrannical rule that can only be overcome through the reconnection of each individual on a personal basis.
How can we be better listeners?
“...The freedom all to be lords of our tiny skull-sized kingdoms, alone at the center of all creation, this kind of freedom has much to recommend it. But of course, there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talk about in the great outside world of wanting and achieving… The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day.” - This is Water is a commencement speech by David Foster Wallace
We, as humans, at some point, need to make some assumptions. There is so much information in the world that we would immediately become overwhelmed and paralyzed toward action if we did not operate with some conjecture. With inherently incomplete prerequisite knowledge, it’s fascinating how often we think that we are right, or correct about things. Even if we read a scientific paper, unless we experience the experiment being conducted and the results for ourselves, there is some level of trust, and assumption that we impart upon another. This concept is an invitation to consider that there are enormous assumptions that we continuously make about the world. If we can keep this in mind, perhaps, when we are listening, instead of listening as an attempt to be right in a discussion or argument, we can begin to ask curious questions.
When we are talking about something, it makes sense to me that the reason we disagree is that we hold a different set of values. It might be a beneficial experience to try to listen intently and ask enough questions to understand the other person’s values and assumptions leveraged to come to their conclusions. It seems like we would, at the very least, understand how the person came to their findings, if not agree with them under the prerequisite knowledge and assumptions which they are operating. This approach is a loving and highly emotionally mature response that undoubtedly takes time to grow and develop.
“It’s profoundly counter-intuitive for us to think of ourselves as mad. We seem so normal and mostly so good – to ourselves. It’s everyone else who is out of step… And yet maturity begins with the capacity to sense and, in good time and without defensiveness, admit to our own craziness. If we are not regularly deeply embarrassed by who we are, the journey to self-knowledge hasn’t begun.” - The Course of Love: A Novel By Alain de Botton
We can welcome being wrong as an opportunity for learning, understanding, and growth. This approach, of course, is a profoundly painful experience. Nominally, we cannot stand to be wrong as that is a form of judgment, which is a driver of shame. We can reframe such an experience into a light of curiosity and playfulness by thinking of being wrong as self-exploration through questioning. This ability to stare directly into the face of our flaws and shortcomings is a sort of trial by fire. However, it is necessary that we take care of the demons, cobwebs, etc. within, because if we do not, they will manifest daily in our existential existence. Now, once we find our inner foundation to rest upon and form our house of emotional maturity, everything else about listening becomes an action.
Mindfulness has been helpful to me in my journey of becoming a better listener. Usually, when I do not understand or lose my place in a conversation, it is because my mind is wandering. Many “religions” that practice meditation techniques, speak about being present. To be present is to be nowhere else in our mind but in the here and now. This idea, to me, is very similar to when we hear the cliche statement “give your undivided attention.” If our mind is wandering and we are not in the moment with the other person, our attention is divided. It seems as though providing someone else our time when we are fully present with them, is the greatest gift that we can provide to another. This approach is the first step to entering the unknown recesses of another person’s mind.
We can never know what is going on inside another person’s mind. This concept is the fundamental separation between humans. However, we can get intensely curious and begin to ask challenging questions. This approach is a journey of building a map of the internals of the other person’s brain. As I’ve spoken of before, we each have a city within our minds. This notion is to say, a highly sophisticated psychological region that is infinitely detailed to us. The best another person can do is to create a sketch or paper map of our internal city. This idea is an extremely simplified view of a highly vivid world inside of another. So to think that we have exhausted our knowledge of another is short-sighted at best. It is our job to be interested explorers of other people.
The valuable part about getting to know another is that it is intensely pleasurable for another person to talk about themselves. If we remain in a state of inquiry about the other, then they will feel valued and useful when they are around us. That is why it is essential to take notes, literally, about other people. If we note something, say a birthday, or anniversary of another, and mention it when we see them near that time, this will undoubtedly make them feel special. This approach is in no way manipulative, at least from my perspective, because if someone took the time to write down something about me, so next time they could ask about it, that is nothing shy of a high-level compliment.
Where do we go from here?
Listening is a prerequisite for a human relationship. It makes sense that listening is a highly active process. We must be in the moment, interested, and curious for the other to feel heard. There is also a resultant action step from taking in the information that is received. If we do not act as a result of being communicated something through listening, then the person sharing does not feel heard in the end. Listening paves the way for others and ourselves to be vulnerable, and this is one critical aspect of a human relationship that functions well.
“Recognition of the Shadow, on the other hand, leads to the modesty we need in order to acknowledge imperfection. And it is just this conscious recognition and consideration that is needed whenever a human relationship is to be established. A human relationship is not based on differentiation and perfection, for these only emphasize the differences or call forth the exact opposite; it is based, rather on imperfection, on what is weak, helpless and in need of support — the very ground and motive for dependence. The perfect has no need of others, but weakness has, for it seeks support and does not confront its partner with anything that might force him into an inferior position and even humiliate him. This humiliation may happen only too easily when high idealism plays too prominent a role.” - The Undiscovered Self: The Dilemma of the Individual in Modern Society a book by Carl Gustav Jung
We are facing a time where abdication of responsibility and melancholic complacency are rampant. The onus is on us to take a step back and become self-reflexive enough to meet our flaws and shortcomings. Once we recognize those and make peace with them, we can begin to lay the groundwork of caring for another. It is when we hold the capacity to genuinely care for another, that we can start to listen with proper intensity. It is our responsibility as a “well adjusted” individual to take the necessary action to steer the societal ship away from ruin one small step at a time. It seems apparent to me that developing listening skills is a step that holds paramount importance as it is the prerequisite for a relationship that will break down the barriers of isolation, atomized individuals, and weak social segments.
“Reflections of this kind should not be taken as superfluous sentimentalities. The question of human relationship and of the inner cohesion of our society is an urgent one in view of the atomization of the pent-up mass man, whose personal relationships are undermined by general mistrust. Wherever justice is uncertain and police spying and terror are at work, human beings fall into isolation, which, of course, is the aim and purpose of the dictator State, since it is based on the greatest possible accumulation of depotentiated social units. To counter this danger, the free society needs a bond of an affective nature, a principle of a kind like caritas, the Christian love of your neighbor. But it is just this love for one’s fellow man that suffers most of all from the lack of understanding wrought by projection. It would, therefore, be very much in the interest of the free society to give some thought to the question of human relationship from the psychological point of view, for in this resides its real cohesion and consequently its strength. Where love stops, power begins, and violence and terror.” - The Undiscovered Self: The Dilemma of the Individual in Modern Society a book by Carl Gustav Jung