The most precious thing
Where We Are
It’s interesting to me when I hear someone venting, or complaining about other people. Usually, the rhetoric is filled with bitterness and resentment. These folks seem to always conclude at the same point; they want a cabin in the woods. They get to the end of saying, “To hell with you all, I’m going to hide away so that I don’t have to deal with you.” They also say things like, “I don’t need anyone else.”
On the other hand, when I interact with those who are financially and professionally successful, I notice that they do not get into this sort of pattern. Their mindset is more akin to “look at how lucky I am.” They will also say things like, “I am thankful for all of the help that I have received along the way.” They seem to tend toward honoring others, instead of resenting them. They seem to focus more on the positives that have shown up in their lives.
“One does not hate as long as one disesteems, but only when one esteems equal or superior.” - Nietzsche; Beyond Good and Evil
These two juxtaposed positions are fascinating to me because, on one end of the spectrum, you have folks who seemingly deny the importance of relationships. On the other end, they honor and praise them.
The folks who are in the camp of not needing others seem to be very nearsighted in terms of life fulfillment and happiness. Psychological research has shown that we need to work and love to be happy. Now, we can love ourselves and work on an isolated farm, but we are also social creatures. When we do not feed that side, things seemingly get out of balance. This notion is not to mention the fact that it is nearly impossible to be completely self-sufficient. We do not make our food or clothing. So we do need others on some level, and hence relationships are necessary.
The people who keep the importance of human relationships at the forefront of their minds seem to rise the ladder of competence more readily. If we cannot form healthy relationships, it makes sense that it would be more challenging to grow in a corporate or government system (dominance hierarchy). After all, on what is a promotion based? It does not matter how much work one gets done, or to what degree we push ourselves. The only thing that matters is what our boss thinks of us, who we know, or if we are people leaders, what the cohort we lead is thinking.
“Carnegie was right when he wrote, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” - John M. Gottman, The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships
Where do we want to go?
It has taken me quite some time, but I have realized that I believe human relationships are the most precious thing that we have in life. Now, there are specific characteristics that determine whether we will lead a life of functional or dysfunctional connections. I learned from a mentor that there is a spectrum upon which we all sit that determines how well we will function when it comes to these interactions.
On one end, there is dysfunction. This category consists of emotional dependency and having others define our sense of self. This situation leads us to make choices based on emotional pressures. We also tend to be emotionally reactive. We deal with people we cannot quickly get along with by emotionally separating, distancing, or cutting them off. Finally, we tend to want to change others to be who we want them to be.
On the other end of this spectrum is the realm of functionality. Here we are self-defining and self-differentiating. The choices we make are based on principles that we form for ourselves. We can be leaders in this position as we tend to have a non-anxious presence with a clear sense of direction. When we do not get along with others, we can stay connected respectfully with people who are different than us. Finally, we tend to hold the idea that “I don’t need you to change for me to be happy.”
Emotional maturity seems like something that takes a great deal of time and effort to cultivate, similar to the creation of fine wine. We need to realize what goes into improving ourselves and then devote a persistent attempt toward that end. As a part of this tribulation, learning and new knowledge come into play. Learning what relationships are, and the glue that holds them together seems germane. In this case, I think that love, with all of its types, is an essential component of flourishing human relationships.
I’m thinking that it is our responsibility to become the best version of ourselves so that we might be capable of loving another. I spoke extensively about the different kinds of love here. However, I would like to touch on a few key aspects of love yet again.
“...taking responsibility—even for a small part of the problem in communication—presents the opportunity for great repair.” - John M. Gottman, Eight Dates: A Plan for Making Love Last Forever
The first step is to develop and find self-love. I think it is essential to realize that we did not make ourselves or the flaws that we contain. This realization seems to open a space within which we can start loving ourselves for who we are, and not hating ourselves for what we are not.
Once we come from a place of genuine self-love, we can realize that the other person did not make themselves or their flaws either. This aspect seems to alleviate the blame that we might put on others for their wrongdoings.
Finally, we can understand that we cannot control others. When we offer help, and other people do not take it, then we have done what we can. Otherwise, the onus is on them to take the responsibility to try to change and heal their past traumas.
“Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you.” - John Gottman, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work
From here, it is essential to mention the types of love for another. On a granular level, there is “eros,” “philia,” and “agape.” Eros is an allusion to the erotic with it trying to point toward some “ideal beauty.” Philia is the term most closely related to friendship. Agape refers to a love that man has toward a god-like deity, in which the fondness and love do not need to be reciprocated.
When we become aware of these different types of love, perhaps we can see this love and the relational bond, it forms as a gift. This idea implies a special treatment of such situations. If we truly value a contribution, we receive it with great care. If we acquire a vintage bottle of wine that we know to be hundreds of years old, we would be sure to take great care in ensuring its safekeeping. Why do we not treat relationships in such a way?
How to get from where we are, to where we want to go
“Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.” - John M. Gottman, Eight Dates: A Plan for Making Love Last Forever
Some psychological principles will help to guide us toward more functional interactions. I was introduced to Dr. John Gottman, a foremost expert in the world on relationships by the same mentor who I mentioned above. My mentor spoke about three principles that lead to better connections with others, according to Dr. Gottman.
The first is what is referred to as mutuality. When we criticize another, it is essential to note that we must keep a stable ratio of detrimental to uplifting comments. Gottman has figured out that this ratio needs to be as high as 5 to 1. This assertion is to say five positive comments for every negative thing said about another person. This concept makes sense in the context of the successful executive as compared to the belligerently complaining factory worker. The successful CEO showers others with compliments, while the factory worker focuses on all of the things that other people did not do.
The second is our relationship style. Do we tend to be more affirming, conflict-avoidant, or conflictual? This notion is a compatibility aspect. If we are someone who likes to metaphorically take our problems out, set them on the table, and discuss them, then we will undoubtedly stir some negative emotions in a person who is conflict avoidant. Our style also has implications for how a dispute is handled. If we are two conflictual people, then it makes sense that our relationship will be turbulent at best and could end with an explosive conclusion. This scenario is like bringing together two similar ends of a magnet. They eventually repel, generally speaking. Of course, this is a gross oversimplification because two conflictual people could form a bond based on past mutual trauma (which is not good), but it could hold two people together who would otherwise repel.
“...[E]ven in stable, happy relationships: When conflict begins with hostility, defensive sequences result” - John M. Gottman, The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples
The third and final aspect of forming functional relationships is that of avoiding cancers. Here it is essential to circumvent things that brood bitterness and resent in the other person. These aspects are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. These notions tie into the first aspect of five to one positive comments. It also makes sense that shame shows up here. We know from a previous article that secrets, silence, and judgment cultivate shame. It makes sense that showering others with criticisms, being defensive, and stonewalling would make the other person feel shame. With that being said, if we avoid these cancers, the thought is that the relationships that we have will not turn pathological.
What does this journey mean?
“You can spend a lifetime being curious about the inner world of your partner, and being brave enough to share your own inner world, and never be done discovering all there is to know about each other. It’s exciting.” - John M. Gottman, Eight Dates: A Plan for Making Love Last Forever
If we lay the groundwork for high-quality relationships, we create something akin to wine. The longer that we cultivate and allow the connection to mature, the better the experience or taste when referring to wine. As wine ages, like well-formed relationships, the experience becomes more rich and complex. If however, on the other hand, we build the foundation of our relationship on sandy soils, then like wine with either improper or inferior ingredients, it will turn to vinegar over time. It is up to us to discover high-quality ingredients and a process that will yield wine instead of vinegar.
“Make dedicated, non-negotiable time for each other a priority, and never stop being curious about your partner. Don’t assume you know who they are today, just because you went to bed with them the night before. In short, never stop asking questions. But ask the right kind of questions.” - John M. Gottman, Eight Dates: A Plan for Making Love Last Forever
The choice and responsibility are ours, and ours alone as we cannot control others. The only thing we have control over, as Viktor Frankl reminds us, is our attitude toward a specific given set of circumstances.
Further Pursuit
Some additional reading that might help to improve relationships would be the post on “Forgiveness” or more details on the glue that holds human connections together known as “Love”. Avoid one of the relationship cancers known as shame by revisiting this article. Finally, it seems essential that we honor how much luck plays into all aspects of our life including in relationships. To better understand the role of luck, you can revisit this post.