How well defined are your boundaries?
“Of all people only those are at leisure who make time for philosophy, only those are really alive. For they not only keep a good watch over their own lifetimes, but they annex every age to theirs. [...] By the toil of others we are led into the presence of things which have been brought from darkness into light.” ― Seneca, On the Shortness of Life
We, as humans, are biological, psychological, and social beings. This idea implies that we have needs in each of these three categories. If those needs are not met, dysfunction ensues. For us to be able to get these needs met healthily, we need to understand who we are. Psychology utilizes the term self differentiated here. This concept is to say that we have a strong sense of self, meaning we know where we start and others end. To come to such a conclusion, it makes sense that we need to know something about boundaries. A person with a strong sense of self has well-defined borders. It is when we have a weak sense of self and nebulous boundaries that we tend to go along with what others want, instead of taking a stand for ourselves.
Where we are
“Thus the subject is created from the information generated in the course of exploratory activity.” Pg. 144 - Jordan Peterson, Maps of Meaning
Boundaries are seemingly taken for granted. We frequently utilize sentences such as “I did this, or I know that.” This notion implies that we know what and where our sense of self is. I think it is not that straight forward. After all, who is the “I” that is doing anything? Many people seem to define us as a “skin encapsulated ego” as the philosopher Alan Watts once put it. This idea suggests that we are what is bounded by our skin. We think that what is outside of our skin is not part of us. To some degree, this is true. One thing we seem to forget, however, is that a boundary can be porous, meaning material can pass through. This idea is a crucial distinction. A boundary is a demarcation, a line that is drawn around the border of something. This line illustrates where one thing starts and other stops. Humans define this delineation. This paragraph is designed to demonstrate that we take boundaries for granted, or as absolutes. We tend to think that we are entirely separate from other humans, which can never be the case. However, it is essential to realize this and allow it to guide the formation of our boundaries so that we can healthily interact with others.
Why should we have boundaries with other people, especially family members?
Boundaries help us to develop a strong sense of self, a strong sense of who we are.
“Men do not let anyone seize their estates, and if there is the slightest dispute about their boundaries, they rush to stones and arms; but they allow others to encroach on their lives – why, they themselves even invite in those who will take over their lives.” ― Seneca, On the Shortness of Life
If we do not set healthy boundaries, other folks will take advantage of us to our detriment. These people can be our friends, family, colleagues, spouses, etc. This scenario spawns from the notion that we all have the best intentions. If I have well-defined boundaries and know what it is that I am willing and not willing to do, I will regulate how others treat me. On the same note, if I interact with someone else who has weak boundaries, I will tend to take from that person (most likely inadvertently) until they have nothing left. This scenario is because the other person can become wholly identified with my direction and action. This assertion is to say that the other person loses their sense of self, and finds a surrogate sense by attaching to me. This situation is why we must take care in choosing those who we wish to help.
“Do not try to rescue someone who does not want to be rescued, and be very careful about rescuing someone who does.” - Jordan Peterson
Where we want to go
“Everyone hustles his life along and is troubled by a longing for the future and weariness of the present. But the man who spends all his time on his own needs, who organizes every day as though it were his last, neither longs for nor fears the next day.” ― Seneca, On the Shortness of Life
How do healthy boundaries seem to us? There are two parts here. First, we must understand how healthy boundaries appear. Then we must identify and honor them in others.
From my perspective, healthy boundaries develop after we take the time to understand ourselves deeply. It seems relevant here to examine what it is that we value. There is an entire branch of psychology that looks into how we, as humans, form our beliefs and values (Personal Epistemology). When we can formulate a strong sense of what we value, it makes sense that our boundaries become well defined. Again, we as humans have needs, and it is our responsibility to understand what it will take to meet those. For example, humans need some degree of togetherness and separation. It depends on the person, how much of each component might be necessary. It is up to us as individuals to determine how that might look. Relying on someone else’s model of how togetherness and separateness appears, illustrates that we have weak boundaries.
The second part of this discussion has to do with honoring the boundaries of others. The first thing that comes to mind is asking questions that induce shame in the other person. We know from an earlier article on shame that judgment, secrets, and silence fester to cause embarrassment. If we act in such a way that the other person feels any of these, then shame will ensure — asking “what” questions, for example, oversteps the other person’s boundaries and can make them feel judged. Additionally, asking questions that we already know the answer to can fall into this category. For example, if we have a spouse, and we ask them, “Have you ever thought about sleeping with someone else.” That is overstepping their boundary. This idea arises because, we know, as biological beings, we have impulsive thoughts about other people all of the time. When we commit to another person, we are saying that we will develop the self-control to devote ourselves to a single person. This approach does not mean that we can stop natural thoughts from occurring. By asking such a question, it backs our partner into a corner of either lying or telling us an answer that we do not want to hear.
It makes sense to me that this is all predicated on respect. If we have respect for another person, we will take the time to learn where their boundaries are. If, for example, someone is highly religious, and we are not, then this becomes a boundary. It is an emotionally mature response to conclude that the two parties disagree on some aspects of the subject and then to coexist in a social sphere.
How to get from where we are to where we want to go
“So what is the reason for this? You are living as if destined to live forever; your own frailty never occurs to you; you don’t notice how much time has already passed, but squander it as though you had a full and overflowing supply - though all the while that very day which you are devoting to somebody or something may be your last. You act like mortals in all that you fear, and like immortals in all that you desire.” ― Seneca, On the Shortness of Life
How do we develop more well-defined boundaries? We have seemingly developed a society where we are so afraid to “hurt someone else’s feelings” that we do not communicate our boundaries. We must understand ourselves well enough to put our foot down to illustrate where we stand on meeting our needs. We also need to be strong enough to tell other folks that we do not condone their actions and will not participate in what they are trying to drag us.
Here, talking about “going with the flow” might be of use. Many folks that I know look at being laid back as an admirable quality. I’m not so sure that I agree. When we are easy-going, it seems like a prime time to be cowardice and not express what we think or how we feel. These are the folks that do not want to ruffle feathers. This becomes pathological when the person who goes along with what others want, does not express that they feel different than what the situation is calling for, and they become bitter, cynical, angry, trapped, or depressed as a result. Humans want to feel that they are in control of their lives, the folks who “go with the flow” are not. Instead, these people are abdicating responsibility.
It also makes sense that we can communicate what it is that we need, and how we expect to be treated. We can respectfully agree to this. We don’t need to be afraid to tell others how they should handle us and what to expect. If someone is disrespectful, we probably should not cut them out, but allow them space to contemplate their actions. We can not pursue the relationship and see if it dies or if they reach out respectfully. It makes sense to me that giving people a tremendous amount of space is a great way to set a boundary along with filtering those who are genuinely interested in fostering a relationship as compared to those who are not.
What that means
“We are in the habit of saying that it was not in our power to choose the parents who were allotted to us, that they were given to us by chance. But we can choose whose children we would like to be. There are households of the noblest intellects: choose the one into which you wish to be adopted, and you will inherit not only their name but their property too. Nor will this property need to be guarded meanly or grudgingly: the more it is shared, the greater it will become. These will offer you a path to immortality and raise you to a point from which no one is cast down. This is the only way to prolong mortality — even to convert it to immortality.” ― Seneca, On the Shortness of Life
We must take responsibility for our well being. Friends, family, and spouses mean well but sometimes provide us with unsolicited advice. We still must realize that they, too, are humans. They have flaws and are dealing with an incomplete data set when it comes to being us. So, we can respectfully take in their point of view and proceed to make our own decision. It is when we go along with what others want our boundaries to dissolve, and our sense of self flows away.
We get to make decisions regarding who we want to be. A portion of this includes what boundaries we set. There are, of course, two extremes. There is the lone wolf, and the helpless raft lost at sea. The lone wolf has monumental boundaries and lets no one in. The raft floats helplessly in an ocean of others, merely going along with what everyone else wants. We get to choose how much of each of these extremes we want to emulate. From there, we can construct a life that has a healthy degree of togetherness and separation. This structure helps relationships to function well, and after all, what else is there to life aside from healthy relationships?