We are not our parents

An Anecdote - My father

“As Cicero says, we hate gladiators if they are quick to save their lives by any means; we favor them if they show contempt for their lives.” - Seneca, On Tranquility of Mind, 11.4b

My father was an interesting man. On the one hand, he was brilliant in the practical sense of seeing problems and fixing them with “real work.” That is to say, any matter regarding construction or carpentry, he was sure to solve it quickly. He was also pretty savvy with all things business-related. However, on the other hand, his emotional intelligence seemed to waver between two extremes. Sometimes he would be amiable and people-centric; other times, he was a wicked soul that showed fits of great anger. He also had the mindset that it was only illegal if you were caught. This concept, to me, is a moral stance. One that he paid the price for in many ways. 

There are several things that I saw in my father that I feared, and to this day, I am still vigilant not to become. The first was the tendency to lean on alcohol too heavily. The second was an active temper. The third was the moral postulate that things are only illegal when caught. Finally, it was the inclination to be conflict-avoidant at some level. 

It seems as though alcohol was a crutch for my father. He suffered trauma in times past, and instead of facing what he went through, it looks like he utilized this substance to numb and forget about what had happened. I would also have to assume alcohol quelled the fear of getting caught when living a life that skirted the legal realm. Finally, the drink also seemed to have fueled his anger problem and probably did not help him to keep his manic bipolar condition under control. 

I have often feared becoming like my father. So in my life, I have made choices and taken steps to not end up in the same position that he did. I have realized that I am predisposed to abusing alcohol, so I have set rules, limits, and guidelines. I know that I have had trauma in my life, so I seek outlets that include writing, therapy, meditation, and other alternative methods to help me process what I have experienced. I have taken the moral position that I would like to keep the burden on my psyche low. That means telling the truth and abiding by the law to the best of my ability. Finally, I am sure to keep myself in good physical condition while feeding my body the most healthy of foods. I believe that the mind-body connection is tightly coupled and also crucial for good overall mental health.

“Don’t seek for everything to happen as you wish it would, but rather wish that everything happens as it actually will - then your life will flow well.” - Epictetus, Enchiridion, 8

It wasn’t until I was much older that I began to at first realize, and then believe that I was not my father. I had many friends, and even strangers come up to me and mention, “You are not your father.” It makes sense that seeing someone that you loved being someone that you despised would make us apprehensive at best toward the notion of following in their footsteps. There were many things that I learned along the way that help me. I am here today to share a few of those things with you. 

Freedom of will

We are biological, psychological, and social beings. This idea means that we will inherit some traits from our biological parents. If we live with them for any time at all, we will also gain some social aspects. However, this is where it ends. We have issues and factors passed along from our parents that will influence us, yet, we still have some “freedom of will” to make choices that guide our lives. 

“Remember that to change your mind and to follow someone’s corrections are consistent with a free will. For the action is yours alone - to fulfill its purpose in keeping with your impulse and judgment, and yes, with your intelligence.” - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 8.16

Nietzsche goes into an in-depth discussion about the poles between freedom of will and non-freedom of will. What I gather from his argument is that, like with anything in life, poles are extremes, and they do not exist in nature. Therefore, we have some degree of free will, and that is predicated on biology, psychology, and social conditioning. 

“The desire for “freedom of will” in the superlative, metaphysical sense, such as still holds sway, unfortunately, in the minds of the half-educated, the desire to bear the entire an ultimate responsibility for one’s actions oneself, and to absolve God, the world, ancestors, chance, and society therefrom...daring, to pull oneself up into existence by the hair, out of the slough of nothingness. If any one should find out in this manner the crass stupidity of the celebrated conception of “free will” and put it out of his head altogether, I beg of him to carry his “enlightenment” a step further, and also put out of his head the contrary of this monstrous conception of “free will”: I mean “non-free will,” which is tantamount to a misuse of cause and effect.... it is only a question of STRONG and WEAK wills.” - Beyond Good and Evil, Nietzsche, Pg. 13,14

Predispositions

This notion of free will is not to say that we will not be predisposed to certain diseases or behavior patterns, for example, being an addict if both of our parents were. No, this is to say that we will have that predisposition, but with mindfulness and proper choice, we can do our best to create a defense against such a slippery slope. Now, of course, there are many complexities and nuances. Take an instance where someone had had a traumatic experience when they were a child. They now have a much higher likelihood of developing depression or a substance abuse problem. 

“I tell you, you only have to learn to live like the healthy person does … living with complete confidence. What confidence? The only one worth holding, in what is trustworthy, unhindered, and can’t be taken away - your own reasoned choice.” - Epictetus, Discourses, 3.26.23b-24

Our Path

How do we start working toward who it is that we might become? The very first step is to admit if we are still buried in the shadows of our parents. They could be physically hundreds or even thousands of miles away. However, if they are again driving our decisions, then we have not yet flown the nest. This notion goes all the way down to deciding because we know what our parents would think, regardless of whether they had direct input into the thought process (or if they are dead or alive). If we are making decisions to quell someone else’s feelings, regardless of who they are, we are not living our lives for ourselves. Of course, we must take care not to turn from other people entirely. There are situations when we make our own choice to choose what will placate or make someone else happy because that is our personal reasoned choice. 

“For it’s disgraceful for an old person, or one in sight of old age, to have only the knowledge carried in their notebooks. Zeno said this … what do you say? Cleanthes said that … what do you say? How long will you be compelled by the claims of another? Take charge and stake your own claim - something posterity will carry in its notebook.” - Seneca, Moral Letters, 33.7

We, as humans, must struggle to be able to reach our full potential. When we have been safely tucked under the wings of our parents for our entire life, this adversity may not have occurred. The first step is to go out into the world and face a challenge that tests us optimally. That is to say, we need to find a problem that we interpret as meaningful, yet it will challenge us without being overwhelming. We, as humans, are problem-solving machines. If someone else is doing that for us, we do not get the chance to learn, adapt, overcome, and grow. 

“I judge you unfortunate because you have never lived through misfortune. You have passed through life without an opponent - no one can ever know what you are capable of, not even you.” - Seneca, On Providence, 4.3

Some argue that the noblest thing a human can do is to find their highest purpose. The thing about this is that no one else can help us to see that. Our parents should help us to become functional members of society. This idea is to say; they should be teaching us the rules of the game so that we are well socialized. After that, it is our task to find out what provides us with fulfillment and joy. We then endeavor to move toward those things in hopes of fulfilling our highest purpose. 

“Stop wandering about! You aren’t likely to read your own notebooks, or ancient histories, or the anthologies you’ve collected to enjoy in your old age. Get busy with life’s purpose, toss aside empty hopes, get active in your own rescue - if you care for yourself at all - and do it while you can.” - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 3.14

It seems essential to me to take an inventory of what is ours, and what is our parents. Our parents wish us the best, and they give it their all in hopes that we will turn out as “good” as we are able. It makes sense to me that parents rarely have malevolent intent (this probably happens, but I’d imagine it is not often). So then, when a parent does a poor job in raising us, perhaps it is time to take a step back and see them has a perfectly flawed human being. This approach allows space for us to forgive them. Then we can start to plant our seeds that will eventually grow and develop us into who it is that we might become. 

“Anything that can be prevented, taken away, or coerced is not a person’s own -- but those things that can’t be blocked are their own.” - Epictetus, Discourses, 3.24.3

It is a tremendous help to incorporate gratitude in this portion of our journey. If we start to see our parents for who they are and can give thanks that we, for instance, had parents, this is useful in putting things into context. Perhaps our lives were not perfect. However, if we give thanks for what we did/do have, it is easier to let go of what we did not/do not have. 

“In all things we should try to make ourselves be as grateful as possible. For gratitude is a good thing for ourselves, in a manner in which justice, commonly held to belong to others, is not. Gratitude pays itself back in large measure.” - Seneca, Moral Letters, 81.19

Conclusions

In the end, we have our own reasoned choice and can decide if we want to follow the path that placates our parents, or the one that fulfills us. We also have the option of whether to follow mindlessly in our parent’s footsteps as well. It was interesting for me to notice that at first, when I started to break the status quo with my parents, they seemed upset. However, after some time, when they saw me developing into who it was that I am, they started to support me. It appears that we have to go through the darkest points to get to the light. It is also useful to keep in mind that our parents are and need to do the same. For me, it was powerful to see when my mother began to struggle with her purpose sometime after all of the children left the house. We so quickly forget that our parents are human, as well. We so quickly forget that our parents are simply humans that are quite different from us. 

“Consider who you are. Above all, a human being, carrying no greater power than your own reasoned choice, which oversees all other things, and is free from any other master.” - Epictetus, Discourses, 2.10.1